


Surface Thoughts

by oorsprong, PolypusRegina



Series: Second Honeymoon [4]
Category: Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens (2015)
Genre: Angst, Domestic, Kylo Ren Needs a Hug, M/M, Miscommunication, darkside husbands, don't we all
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-05-16
Updated: 2016-05-16
Packaged: 2018-06-08 17:40:49
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,127
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6866539
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/oorsprong/pseuds/oorsprong, https://archiveofourown.org/users/PolypusRegina/pseuds/PolypusRegina
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>For the first time Hux forced himself to accept the fact that though he excelled at protecting Ren from himself he could not protect Ren from the First Order.</p><p> </p><p>And if he couldn’t do that, what good was he to anyone?</p>
            </blockquote>





	Surface Thoughts

When Hux came back to the house in the morning Ren was gone.  Hux had to assume he’d gone for a long walk as the shuttle remained in the clearing and he hadn’t taken anything with him and anyway, surely he wouldn’t have just left

 

Hux tried to ignore the worry gnawing steadily at him until noon when Ren appeared again, walking into the small kitchen without a word, grabbing a pear, and then going back outside to eat it.

 

“Ren,” Hux called after him, working to keep the irritation out of his voice.  “Are you going to talk to me?”

 

Ren paused for a moment just outside the doorway. He heaved a sigh so quietly that even Hux wouldn’t have been able to hear it, and ducked back inside.

 

“Is there something we need to talk about?” He answered, trying for casual as he took his first bite of the pear.

 

“I thought we could go out to the lake today like we talked about, or, I don’t know… something.”

 

He had been worried that Kylo would be ready to argue with him; to pull it all out of him as soon as he came back.  He hadn’t expected this indifference.  Truthfully it made it easier for him to try and figure out a way to buy time while he decided what to do with the information in his possession but until then it seemed like Ren was happy to pretend nothing was wrong.  And that, paradoxically, upset him more than anything else.

 

Kylo couldn’t help but frown a little around his next bite, unsure of what to think of Hux’s answer. It certainly wasn’t a ‘No, there’s nothing we need to discuss’. It felt more like a, ‘Yes, but I don’t want to discuss it’. Every little vague reply, every shifting glance, every hint just had him more and more certain that there truly was something being hidden from him.

 

He was used to the feeling, knowing people were keeping secrets from him. But it was one he hadn’t associated with Hux in a very, very long time.

 

“We’ll do that then. It’d be nice to spend some time by the lake,” he answered, deciding that maybe pushing too much too soon wouldn’t get him the answers he wanted. Maybe he just needed to be patient, and let Hux come around on his own. If he was even capable of controlling himself that long.

 

Hux nodded, relieved, and went into the kitchen to pack a small lunch for them.  An hour later they were sitting by the lake on large round blanket that he’d found in a grain storage bin, presumably made by the locals.  The pattern was a remarkable repeating motif of miniature flowers spiraling inward but it was threadbare in patches and so he’d gotten into the habit of hauling it out to the lake to sit on.  It was easy to dust off when they returned.

 

He hadn’t touched Ren since the incident last night and found himself wanting to stroke his husband’s bare back as he sat behind him.  The weather was perfect and though he’d had to cover himself in broad spectrum spray against the copious sunlight, the windy warmth couldn’t have been more inviting.  He closed his eyes, lay back on the blanket, and listened to the small waves rush against the gravel beach.

 

Kylo was hardly surprised that he found it a bit difficult to relax. On one hand, it was impossible _not_ to, at least a little. The weather was perfect and the scenery was unlike anything he was accustomed to. It was hard to sit there and feel tense. But it wasn’t that easy when his mind was considerably more active than his body, fighting with itself to stop overthinking things.

 

For the moment though, he found a minute or two of peace and he fully intended to make the most of it. Whatever was going on, whatever Hux knew… he wasn’t going to let it ruin things. And so he shifted to lie back beside his husband, nudging his hip gently with his own to let him know he was there. He didn’t expect Hux to say anything, not really. But it seemed like the least he could do.

 

At the press of Ren’s hip Hux exhaled sharply.  Without allowing himself to think about it he rolled over onto his side and placed a hand on Ren’s chest.  If he kept to surface thoughts, nonsense thoughts… kept from getting too intimate....

 

Foolishness, all of it, nonetheless he indulged himself by running his fingers along Ren’s chest even while he kept a close lock on his thoughts.  Not daring to reach out for Ren in his mind.

 

Ren let himself breathe a tiny sigh of relief, the touch of Hux’s hand enough to help quiet his thoughts. It was a small reassurance--a small sign that things weren’t too far gone just yet.

 

But the more he drifted, the more tempting it was to ask to tap into Hux’s thoughts. It was something they did so often, communicating through something much deeper than spoken words when they were too tired or too comfortable to break the silence. Except right now hee wasn’t entirely sure it was a good idea. He didn’t want to ruin what they had. But the fear of the unknown tore at him more than he expected it to, and it wasn’t stopping.

 

 _“You promise me everything is all right?”_ He finally nudged against Hux’s mind, compromising and keeping his questions vague.

 

Hux did something he’d never done before.  He shut Ren out.  Even while he lay there, a hand on Ren’s warm torso, their faces close enough to kiss, he locked his thoughts away.

 

“Stop worrying,” he muttered, though whether it was to himself or Ren he couldn’t say.  He tensed up a little; braced himself for Ren’s reaction to what he’d done.  Still he kept ahold of him, feeling terribly alone and more than a little afraid.

 

It wasn’t so unusual that Hux might answer him aloud. That wasn’t the part that had Ren flinching a little, tensing under his touch as if the warm breeze had suddenly gone freezing. No, that didn’t come until he realized that connection was suddenly gone, the bond severed in a way that felt worryingly deliberate. As if there was something there inside his head that he didn’t want Ren to find.

 

“You can’t tell me what to do,” he answered, struggling against a wave of fearful anger. He knew it wouldn’t get them anywhere, lashing out at the man. He knew he needed to keep a level head. But nothing in the entire universe terrified him more than the thought of losing Hux, and at that moment, he wasn’t sure if he was getting ahead of himself or not.

 

“No,” Hux agreed.  “I can’t tell you what to do.”  His hand felt heavy on Ren’s chest but surely the knight would brush it away if he didn’t want to be touched anymore.  Hux wouldn’t even blame him.  He swallowed, desperate to allow some normalcy back into the conversation.  They had so little time here and it was being ruined by-- _things_ outside his control.  He realized to his horror that his eyes were burning.  He squeezed his eyelids shut and then absently rubbed at them with a knuckle.  None of this was happening.  This couldn’t be happening.

 

“Ren,” he said quietly.  Then he couldn’t think of anything else to say.

 

Kylo had let his eyes close for a moment, as if it would really help him stay calm. He was running out of things to try, so it was worth a shot, especially when he couldn’t decide if he wanted to shove Hux away or cling to him like he might never let go.

 

But at the sound of his name his eyes snapped open, darting over to glance at Hux beside him. He wasn’t sure what he expected. But seeing Hux look as though he might have been fighting back tears was more than he could bear. And just like that, the anger inside him vanished, replaced by a flood of utter helplessness.

 

He didn’t think twice about rolling onto his side to face his husband, pressing in close and gathering his face into careful hands.

 

“Hey--I’m… You’re okay,” he murmured, leaning in to press a kiss between Hux’s brows, “It’s okay.”

 

 _It isn’t,_ he thought, _please talk to me._ But he knew Hux wouldn’t hear it.

 

Instead of comforting him Ren’s words were the deft undoing of a barrier he’d been fighting to keep up since Fiiranza had contacted him last night.  He buried his face in Ren’s neck, unable to hold back the hot tears that slipped out.  The walls in his mind stayed firmly in place but he could not let go of Ren; could not keep his treacherous eyes from leaking as he sought a solace he didn’t deserve in his husband.

 

Ren knew better than to try pushing his way into Hux’s thoughts again. He knew he’d either be disappointed because he still couldn’t reach him, or he’d end up feeling like he was taking advantage of his emotional distress to do so. Instead, he just did his best to be there for Hux all the other ways he could think of, letting one arm wrap around his waist to hold him close. But he didn’t say anything, not just yet. Not that he would even know what to say. He didn’t want to be the one doing all the talking. He wanted it to be Hux, telling him what was wrong, what was bothering him, what he was keeping from him. And if Ren couldn’t pry it out of him then all he could do was try to be that safe place for him, refusing to let Snoke or Fiiranza or anyone else tear them apart.

 

“Beloved,” Hux whispered against him.  He’d always said it in Halla; _Silhar,_ _Siharill_ , never in basic.  

 

He let himself cling to Ren for a moment longer and then he sat up, brushing himself off and sniffing a little, as though it were allergies and not a fit of tears he’d just been fighting off.

 

“Sorry,” he said.  “Maybe this wasn’t such a good idea.  I’m going back to the house.”

 

Ren didn’t put up much of a fight when he felt Hux shift against him, pulling back to give himself some space. He was a bit reluctant to let him go but he did, loosening his grasp until Hux was free of his arms entirely. He pushed himself up as well, watching him with a mildly concerned expression, unsure of what to make of what had just happened.

 

His heart sank a little at Hux’s decision, mouth dropping open as if to force himself to say something. But the words didn’t come. He couldn’t think why it was a  good idea, or why he should stay.

 

“Is that your way of saying I should stay here while you go?”

 

“There’s lunch for you.  I packed enough for both of us.  I don’t want to ruin your time.  Just… relax here.  It’s fine.  It’s fine.”

 

He buttoned up his loose shirt and and headed back towards the house, leaving Ren standing on the beach.  This wasn’t happening.  Couldn’t be happening.

 

He had to fix it.  He had to devise a plan.  But could he do it on his own?  Or was there some way out he wasn’t seeing.

 

If Ren knew would he leave him here on Kheel and go to confront Fiiranza who had apparently taken his place at Snoke’s side for the forseeable future?

 

For the first time Hux forced himself to accept the fact that though he excelled at protecting Ren from himself he could not protect Ren from the First Order.

 

And if he couldn’t do that, what good was he to anyone?

 

***

 

Ren convinced himself to try and eat, to do what Hux said and relax. But everything turned bitter on his tongue and soon enough the food was long forgotten as he fell back into the dangerous pit of his own mind like a whirlpool of ‘what if’s.

 

There was always the option of taking the information he needed by force, but… no, it _wasn’t_ always an option. Not with Hux. It made him sick just thinking about the fact that he _could_ , which was enough of a sign that he was growing desperate.

 

Eventually, it was all going to have to come to the surface. Whatever was upsetting Hux couldn’t stay hidden forever, and all Ren could hope for was that they were strong enough to get past it.

  
No matter what it was.


End file.
